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[ode to blind leading the blind part xx by apocolypstick. The NYC version.]
It’s a rainy Friday night. I just got on the L train, and it smells like someones colostomy bag broke. Christ. I thought wet dog was bad, but being trapped in a tiny room with yesterdays feces is far worse. That being noted, let’s get down to business. Ladies, some word of advice from someone who learned the hard I.e. Embarrassing way:
1 quit smoking. You look stupid. You smell like last nights one night stand, and yr addiction should never keep a pretty girl like you, stuck outside in the rain, when everyone else is having a party inside. Boys, no one is sexier than the marlboro man, keep on blazin. But pls, if you make it to my bedroom, check yr habit at the door. My cat doesn’t want cancer.
2 invest in good shoes. Learn to walk in them. Don’t buy them if you can’t. Nothing screams stupid like a girl walkin around in her pantyhose at prom. I don’t care if all the other girls are doing it, they look stupid too. Plus, yr heels make yr ass & legs look exponentially better. And why ruin yr feet after you spent all that money on a fancy pedicure? Yr feet are pretty. Keep them that way. In shoes. Even when fucking.
3 speaking of shoes, uggs, rain boots & flip flops are a no go. Uggs are NEVER okay, not even in LA. You look stupid. Rain boots are acceptable in the RAIN only. Have heels in yr purse. Or cute flats. Or whatever. Flip flops are okay anywhere BUT NYC, where they are okay only In Your House or on the beach. Otherwise yr pretty feet are filthy cesspools of the homeless population’s excrement. Gross. Again, waste of $$ pedicure.
4 try not to dress like a hooker. If yr vagina is falling out of yr dress, put on some fucking pants. Damnit.
5 drunk is cute, til you vomit. Never vomit.
6 making out with girls just for the hell of it is trashy and childish. If yr gonna make out with her, you better be willing to fuck her. No one likes a tease.
7 boys with skateboards are a perfect accessory
8 children are NOT. More Condoms, ladies. And neither are little dogs in yr purse. I get that yr lonely, but it’s cruel to dog AND purse. Please. Get the little shitstain OUT or yr Chanel.
9 the key to looking svelte- is to buy and wear clothes that FIT you. Even if yr a size six, you look fat if yr ass crack is hangin out of yr jeans. Same for yr belly. Or yr fat feet. Tuck the bulge, ladies. Im not telling you to invest in maternity wear, just something that covers yr crack and yr muffin top. Put it away. Or better yet, buy the right size pants. You’ll be more comfrtable, and hence confident. Confidence is always the new black. That, is the definition of sexy.
10 wash yr fucking hair every once in a while. And try to get some exercise. Breaking a sweat once a day does yr skin wonders. And as my dad says, if ya don’t use it, ya lose it. Fact.
11 if yr a hipster in “east Williamsburg,” a subwy rat is more interesting than you. It’s worth yr time to develop a style. Let’s stick to the classics. Black. If yr ever in doubt, there’s a few styles that stand true: blue jeans and white shirt. Be it wife beater and skinnys to boot cuts and halter button up, it works, always. Let’s not forget black tank black jeans black boots. Or dark jeans camel boots. There ya go- secrets from a pro.
